It’s certainly not new, but it’s going up in its entirety here, anyway, just to brighten your day (again): The Washington Post‘s Mensa Invitational Contest winners. In this contest readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing only one letter, and supply a new definition.
I found an earlier reference of it here – oddly, I couldn’t find anything about it on the Post‘s website.
Who knew clever people could be so funny?
The winning entries are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Belief that one will come back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11 . Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
The winners of the yearly contest in which alternate meanings for common words are submitted are also excellent:
1. coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.